Steel Will

My Journey Through Hell to Become the Man I Was Meant to Be

By Shilo Harris

We’d been trained to gain an understanding of the Iraqi people and the tribes for whom peace has long been a problem. The Iraqi Muslims split themselves into two main factions, majority Shia and minority Sunni, two sects that have tried to outlast and overpower one another for a lot longer than this war, decade, or century. Kurds and Christians battled for their place here as well.

As I peered through my field glasses, I saw villagers head for the mosque and I heard the muezzin sound the call to worship. The loudspeaker blared five times a day in Yusifiyah and in towns and villages all over Iraq. Muslims gathered for prayer while our troops protected their freedom to do so. A villager stopped in the dirt by the road, pulled out his prayer rug, and spread out his mat facing Mecca. He leaned into his prayer posture, shoulders down in front of his knees, and as he did so, I wondered if his prayers resembled mine in any way.

(Harris and Cox 2015, 95)

PTSD has taken its toll on me, and the more places I’d visit to talk to soldiers, the more I’d hear about soldier suicides. I get it. Suicide has always Traumatic Stress been on the table as an option, and I wish I could tell you that was not true.There have been many times when I believed that relief could come if I just left this earth. I understand it is selfish, cruel, and murderous to every single soul who loves me, but it stays on the table and at times it seems like a delicious choice. Wouldn’t it just be easier if I wasn’t here? Wouldn’t everyone just be happier if I wasn’t miserable? I grow tired of pain and of looking and feeling abnormal. I long to run and not grow weary.

When I talked to families who were struggling with recovery along with their loved ones, I tried to impress upon them the idea that it takes only a minute to consider suicide, and it’s a minute you cannot retract.You are dealing with your perception versus your reality, and when you are depressed, your perception becomes your reality. On every level, heart, mind, and soul, I know that self-murder is wrong, but there have been moments, milliseconds actually, when I have been willing to be wrong rather than alive. I am grateful for the grace of God that he has provided a way when there seemed no other way, and I am bereft to understand how I could consider killing myself, but I have to be honest in revealing to you that PTSD makes suicide seem viable.